Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

We’re all getting idioter.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny