Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.