Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

This is so wrong 😂

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Netflix and awkward silence?

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.