Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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Unimpressed
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken