Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
We have a winner.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Bros before Ohioes
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?