A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you