Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot