Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

Facebook marketplace is a different world

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔