Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly