Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

mood

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

HELP 😭

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*