Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
