*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies