Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Human are so complicated

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?