Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Creepy-crawlies
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Me in tagged photos
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.