Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.