Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
