Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?