Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Lmao 🤣
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
