Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.