Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water

You Might Also Like


If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.


My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.


What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?


I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers


*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.


Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”


[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”


When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection