@slyoung5

Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water

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@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@Marcmywords2

Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.

@frenziedandfine

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

@MrJeberling

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

@Cpin42

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

@RidiculousSheri

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@david8hughes

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

@sophielou

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection