Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh