Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.