Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.