‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Is this you?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
[loses house key, starts a new life]
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.