‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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The two types of wives
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
no one likes gloating
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares