Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

pain

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.