Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
No way!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂