Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.