Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

Hey Fugeddaboutit

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?