Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS