*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
sigh
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?