Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
