Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

How much for the goth pool noodles?

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.