Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
You Might Also Like
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
one week till the election
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
X-tra spooky blend
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.