Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12. I think about this all the damn time

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”