Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Running from your problems is cardio .

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.