Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I’m ready for Halloween this year

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

😭😭

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*