Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

I occasionally drink every single night.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?