Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you