Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!