Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.