Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Best seat on the street 😍
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
#dalle2
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.