Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

blocked.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.