Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Morning my dudes.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.