Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

me: my friends:

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.