Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.