Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Effort made

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

dictator is short for richard potato

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”