Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

LOL

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”