Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
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This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Miscakes
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Teach your children to beatbox
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑