Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.