“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Oh yeah that’s it
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.