[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
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I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.