[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
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Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?