Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.