Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious