lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
