Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.