Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

My patience has stretch marks.