@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

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@mattwhitlockPM

This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.

@retardedwriter

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

@tuckerflodman

[CIA]

-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

@dumbbeezie

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

@Home_Halfway

Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.

@Smiilze

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

@jordan_stratton

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”