Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

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This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.


Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!



-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!


I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink


Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.


“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?


Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.


Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”