I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”