*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My wedding will be open casket.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
