Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

For the baby who has everything

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.