Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Wake me when AI does housework

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

dark side of the loom

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Brands during Pride

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?