Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.