Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him