Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Mmmm canned fish.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.