Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.