Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Duck typos.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*weighs self after shaving
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
lost dog
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?