Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Why does laundry happen to good people?

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

i think we should see other cousins

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

happy valentine’s day to me

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”