Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?