Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*