LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.