LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
spot the difference
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot