Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Somedays I just love AI so much
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce