Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*bites zombie*
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.