Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

meow

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”